OUR FAVORITE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
What does it mean to grieve? How does the body and mind handle the overwhelming emptiness and pain that comes with losing someone near and dear to your heart?
Over the last few days for me, that has looked like walking up the steep hill from work, hugging a gift box from secret santa to my chest as tears streamed down my face without feeling the numbing, biting cold. It has looked like sitting against my bed frame, mindlessly staring out the window and losing all sense of time while watching a light snow flurry drift down, and thinking how ironically cruel it felt to see something so beautiful. It has looked like dissolving into tears and taking deep breaths over the phone while talking to friends and family, sharing stories and silence. It has looked like meeting up with new friends in the area and mentioning nothing despite wanting to unload everything, out of fear of losing normalcy and the ability to feel somewhat in control of my emotions. It has looked like randomly accepting invitations to meet new people late at night or going to work early out of fear of being alone with my thoughts in an empty and dark apartment. It has looked like going to bed early, having trouble falling asleep, fitfully sleeping, and waking up before my alarm. And it has looked like baking, in an attempt to distract, remember, and feel warmth.
Allow me to be vulnerable here, baking blog, and say that I lost a childhood friend, one I have memories of from as long as I can remember - back to my elementary school days. We became even closer in high school, with The Lunch Table, where he always provided endless laughs, thoughts, discussions, debates, and energy, and always welcomed our tough love and teasing. We had a friendship that continued through college - a rarity - with meet ups whenever we were in town at the same time, and random messages here and there during the stretches of time between. As my favorite people usually are, he was always excited to hang out or explore new places or eat food, was thoughtful and easy-going with an infectious smile, and put up with my constant stream of photos (I think he secretly loved being in front of the lens). Even after he tore his ACL, he didn’t want to miss a chance to meet, and I remember him hobbling out of his house on crutches, post-surgery, and climbing carefully into the backseat while laugh-crying at the pain of trying to keep his leg from jostling as much as possible. And one of my favorite memories was when we once baked together with our friends. Those Coconut Cappuccino Muffins, where he probably contributed 1 cup of flour before deciding he was better as an observer and conversationalist. So in memory this weekend, I baked. Because I know there aren’t many things better than freshly baked chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven, and that you would have appreciated them too. Love you always, Tahir. You’ll always be my favorite dinosaur.
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Our Favorite Chocolate Chip Cookies
From Smitten Kitchen
Makes about 20 cookies
½ cup granulated sugar
½ cup firmly packed light brown sugar
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, cold, cut into ½-inch (1cm) pieces
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
½ teaspoon baking soda
1 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon flaky sea salt
1 ½ cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup walnuts or pecans, toasted and chopped (omitted)
To make: Adjust the oven rack to the top third of the oven and preheat to 300°F. Line three baking sheets with parchment paper. Beat the sugars and butters together until smooth. Mix in the egg, vanilla, and baking soda. Stir together the flour and salt, then mix them into the batter. Mix in the chocolate chips and nuts. Scoop the cookie dough into 2-tablespoon (5cm) balls and place 8 balls, spaced 4 inches (10cm) apart, on each of the baking sheets. Bake for 18 minutes, or until pale golden brown. Remove from the oven and cool on a wire rack. Store at room temperature in an airtight container for up to 3 days.